Hogwarts Millionaire
by A rose without thorns
Summary: Ninjas attack Hogwarts school. Am I lying? You'll just have to read and find out.
1. Chapter 1

**Hogwarts Millionaire**  


(A/N: Warning this makes absolutely no sense. I just felt like rambling and not writing my other stories. )  
  
Me: Thanks Jon for editing and making it more funny.  
  
Jon: You're welcome. :)  
  
Me: Shut up you're supposted to say "no yours was wonderful how it was."  
  
Jon: But then I'd be lying and lying is wrong. :)  
  
Me: I hate you. On with the story!  
  
Disclaimer: I dont own anything that has to do with Harry Potter, not the books, not the movies, nothin. Of course I dont own Regus Phillbin although he may own me, I haven't read my contract. They (and by 'they' I omit Regus) belong to the esteemed and beloved author JK Rowling whom I love and admire and would never sue me for such a silly little thing like copyright infringement... I hope. :)  
  
Regus: Welcome to Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Today we have Harry Potter-  
  
Harry: Wait, where am I?  
  
Regus: So let's get going. For one hundred dollars, who is the current President of the United States?-  
  
Harry: What the...who are you? Hey this chair spins. –spins around in a circle-  
  
Regus: A. George W. Bush Jr., B. Dumbledore, C. Pikachu, or D. Oliver Wood  
  
Harry: Who the hell is Pikachu?  
  
Regus: Is that your final answer?  
  
Harry: What? No!  
  
Fred (sitting in the crowd): Oo Oo I know I know! –raises hand-  
  
Harry: What is it?  
  
Regus: ...You can't ask someone in the audience.  
  
Draco: Boo!  
  
-Hermione smacks Draco over the head-  
  
Harry: Um... Accio Presidenta  
  
George Bush: Wait? Where am I?  
  
Harry: I'm going to go with A. Final answer.  
  
Regus: correct. –music plays and lights dim-  
  
Harry: Whoa, that was like magic.  
  
Regus: Now, for the two hundred dollar question.  
  
Fred: -raises hand again- I know I know!  
  
Regus: I haven't asked the question yet.  
  
Harry: I'm going to phone a friend on this one.  
  
Regus: ...but the question-  
  
Draco: Boo!  
  
Regus: would someone get him out of here?  
  
Draco: You can't defeat me! I have money and goofy sidekicks! My father is a secret evil villain! I'm almost sometimes central to the plot!  
  
Harry: Accio Denario!  
  
-Harry grabs the check for one million and runs-  
  
JKR: alright that was pointless.  
  
Me: Oh ye of little faith.  
  
JKR: It had no point to it.  
  
Me: I haven't finished.  
  
JKR: what could you possibly have left to say?  
  
Me: er..._ Accio Oliver Wood_ -and runs-  
  
Fin.  
  



	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  


  
Disclaimer: I don't own alex Trebek or Jeopardy...damn that Trebek... I dont own HP either, it's all JKRs. Selfish...mutters under her breath   
  
Me: I did this one on my own... glares at Jon   
  


  


  
Alex Trebek: Hello and welcome to Jeopardy-  
  
George: I know what you're playing at..._Trebek_...  
  
Alex: -gives George a funny look- Draco you'll lead us off.  
  
Draco: I'll take evil villains for 100.  
  
Alex: He gave Harry Potter his scar.  
  
-crickets-  
  
-George buzzes in- "Michael Jackson."  
  
-Alex gives George another funny look- No.  
  
-Silence. George pokes Draco beside him.-  
  
Draco: He poked me he poked me! Wait till I tell my father.  
  
-Olvier wood buzzes in and looks into the camera winking-  
  
Alex: Oliver?  
  
-Oliver runs a hand through his hair and nods to the camera, smiling and blowing it a kiss-  
  
-Alex sighs- Draco?  
  
Draco: Ill take wands and knuts for 200.  
  
-George snickers- knuts...  
  
Alex: Who had the brother wand to Harry's?  
  
-Oliver motions the camera over to him and strips off his robe-  
  
-Draco buzzes in- Who is...er...  
  
Alex: cough voldemortcough  
  
-George buzzes in-  
  
Alex: George?  
  
George: Who is Michael Jackson?   
  
Alex: ...no. Anyone else?  
  
-George presses the button for Oliver who is making suggestive movements at the camera-  
  
-Oliver sings "I'm to sexy for my robe, to sexy for my robe" and throws the robe into the audience.-  
  
Alex: Let's move on to final Jeopardy.  
  
-George buzzes in-  
  
Alex: Stop buzzing in.  
  
George: I see how it is _Trebek_. –raises one eyebrow-  
  
Alex: Here is your final jeopardy clue. He sang the song, Thriller.  
  
-Jeopary music plays.-  
  
Alex: Alright. Oliver let's see what you put.  
  
-Oliver's screen writes "I am a sexy beast." He mouths "call me" to the camera and wiggles his eyebrows-  
  
Alex: No, im sorry. And you wagered...nothing. Alright Draco on to you... Draco?  
  
-Alex, George, and Oliver look at the empty spot where Draco should have been.-  
  
Alex: ok...George?  
  
-George's screen reads 'Britney Spears'-  
  
Alex: No! Who have you been saying all along George? WHO?  
  
-George raises an eyebrow at Alex. He motions to Alex with his thumb and looks at Oliver, whispering "I think he's lost it."  
  
Alex: Michael Jackson! Michael- Ah forget it!  
  
-lights dim and Jeopardy music plays-  
  
JKR: What the...you don't...  
  
Me: Do you have a problem with my story?  
  
JKR: I give up...  
  
Me: Are you saying you didn't enjoy it?  
  
JKR: yes...  
  
Me: ...  
  
JKR: What?  
  
Me: ...  
  
Fin. 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: More Randomness  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Family Feud I don't own Hp, do we really have to go through this every chapter?  
  
Me: Ok I had some editing on this one...but he isn't here to comment on that so Ha! Take that Jon! cough Right well...enjoy!...  
  
-lights go up and music plays, JKR walking out-  
  
JKR: Hello and welcome to Wizarding Family Feud, the game where wizarding families duck it out in a match of wits and wonder. But before we start the game let's welcome our families.  
  
-camera zooms in on Harry who points to the scar, crowd oo's and ahhs. The other members are shown, Uncle Vernon, Sirius Black, Ron, and Fred and George Weasley-  
  
JKR: ... wait, the Weasleys aren't part of Harry's family. And Fred and George can't count as one person.  
  
George: I suppose we could have brought in Duddly but he's a bit absorbed up right now discovering our Hideous Hydra Hamburgers.  
  
cried out from offstage: "This hamburger is biting me back!"  
  
Me: It's my story. Just go with it.  
  
JKR: Well you're getting it wrong.  
  
Me: Don't make me erase you from the script. I could have easily gotten Oliver Wood and trust me he would have gotten better ratings.  
  
-JKR mumbles under her breath-  
  
JKR: And now the Malfoy family! –lights shine on the Malfoys, Crab and Goyle, and one mysteriously cloaked figure in the last spot-  
  
JKR: Let's have our first two contestants step up please.  
  
-Harry and Draco step up, Draco kicking Harry behind the buzzer box-  
  
Harry: He kicked me, he kicked me!  
  
Draco hands JKR a sack of money: No I didn't!  
  
MCF (mysteriously cloaked figure): All shall bow to me!  
  
-George snickers-  
  
JKR: To start the game we've polled all of Hogwarts School and found seven responses to the following question. What is the most popular thing to do in Hogwarts?  
  
-Harry buzzes in- "Quidditch"  
  
JKR: Quidditch is the number one answer. Draco?  
  
Draco: Here take some more money.  
  
-JKR pockets the money- And the Malfoy family will be starting us off.  
  
-Draco smirks and walks back-  
  
JKR: alright. Lucious what is the most popular thing to do in Hogwarts?  
  
Lucious: I'd have to say making evil plots.  
  
-JKR raises an eyebrow- "...alright. Show me 'Making Evil Plots'-  
  
MCF: I SHALL RULE YOU ALL!  
  
–board flips and shows it as answer #7-  
  
JKR: Yes, with 6 votes, 'Making Evil Plots' is up there.  
  
-JKR moves to Crab who is picking his nose-  
  
JKR: Crab? Seriously, we're on TV. Use a piece of Kleenex or something.  
  
Crab: Clean-axe?  
  
George: You can try one of mine.  
  
Crab: Why thank yo... Oh god! It's attacking my face!  
  
JKR: Attacking my face, let's see if it's up there. Survey says...  
  
- Big Red 'X' –  
  
JKR: No. I'm sorry Crab, attacking your face is not one of the most popular Hogwarts activities. But good try. Maybe next time.  
  
JKR: Now Goyle, what would you guess to be a popular Hogwarts activity.  
  
Goyle: Hehehe. Mak'n... uh... mak'n fun a Ron and Harry. Cause they're so darn silly.  
  
JKR: I hear "Making fun of Ron and Harry." Survey says?  
  
- board flips and shows answer #3 –  
  
JKR: Yes, surprisingly enough, that is quiet a popular response with 25 votes.  
  
Ron: You know, I take offense to that...  
  
Harry: Aren't there 25 people in house Slytherin?  
  
Draco: Complete coincidence, I'm sure.  
  
MCF: BLAST YOU MUGGLES AND MUDBLOODS! I SHALL RULE YOU ALL!  
  
JKR: Now on to you Mr. Mysteriously Cloaked Figure.  
  
Lucien: How about we just skip him and flip over one of those correct answers? Dangles a bag of money  
  
JKR: Hey, what sort of money is in this sack anyway?  
  
Draco: A few shillings, a few sickles, mostly knuts.  
  
George and Fred: Hehehe. It's a knut sack.  
  
JKR: I'm sorry, but I'll have to insist Mr. MCF answer.  
  
MCF: HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO THE DARK LORD OF ALL THAT IS EVIL AS AN EQUAL! I SHOULD TURN YOU INTO A MOUSE AND FEED YOU TO HECTOR, MY BURMESSE PYTHON!  
  
JKR: Our mysterious contestant says "Turn you into a mouse and feed you to snakes." Survey says...  
  
- Big Red 'XX' -  
  
JKR: Oh. I'm sorry. That's two strikes against the Malfoys.  
  
JKR: And we're back to you Draco.  
  
-Draco stares at JKR for a long moment and then says "You're one of _them..._" and slowly backs away off the stage-  
  
JKR: ...  
  
-lights dim as it goes to commercial-  
  
-George shouts- "It's Ok! They'll turn on again don't panic!"

-Fred grins at JKR for a while and then announces "I have new socks on."-  
  
-lights go up again-  
  
JKR: Welcome back! Draco's answer was 'You're one of them_'_. Let's see if it's up there.  
  
Big Red 'XXX' –  
  
-Fred calls out "Group Hug!" as they go into a huddle-  
  
JKR: Alright...George have you and your team members come up with an answer?  
  
-Hermione raises her hand out in the audience-  
  
George: I'm going to say going to Hogsmeade.  
  
JKR: Let's see if its up there.  
  
-Flips as #2 answer-  
  
JKR: And the Potters...ish...get the points and win the game!  
  
Me: That's not the end of the game...  
  
JKR: Bite me.  
  
Me: Don't make me get Oliver Wood.  
  
MCF: I AM LORD VOLDEMORT! FEAR ME!!!  
  
-crowd gasps and scrambles-  
  
-Harry grabs the sack of money and runs offstage-  
  
MCF: RAWRRRR!!!  
  
-JKR snickers as lights dim-  
  
-Me sighs and shakes her head- "Main characters"  
  
JKR: Are you insulting my characters?  
  
Me: And what if I was?  
  
JKR: Then...I'll...  
  
-Me erases JKR from script- Buah ha ha...  
  
-Jingle Bells plays in ending music-  
  
Me: I give up.  
  
Fin.


End file.
